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Nov. 23rd, 2007

yeahhhh i never update anymore.
sorry, guys.
theres nothing to update about, unfortunately.

i work every weekend, i was working a lot during the week too and i was making substantial cash.
and now, they dropped my hours.
i'm lonely. bored. exhausted. scared.
not just today, everyday.

but things are alright.
come the new year, i can reapply at usm

that the one thing i'm really looking forward to.

Oct. 17th, 2007

i cant believe this.

how in the hell does he make me feel like this?

i am gonna do something i should regret.
but i wont.

ill love every minute of it.
i don't update very much anymore, eh?

it was my birthday yesterday :D
now i'm 19. oh joyyyyy!

not much to update on...
i work at hannaford now.
i don't have any money.
um, yup!


but.... i'm still alive!
just in case you were wondering.
the loneliness  is always there,
but i am most vulnerable during these early morning hours.
kenn dumped me.
via text.
while i was at work.

with little to no explanation.

i'm very pissed.
extremely hurt.
and really confused.
all i feel lately is anger and confusion

no one fucking understands me or the decisions i make.
and i'm fucking sorry.
i'm sorry that i'm not going back to school for a year.
i'm sorry i haven't called you, or gone to visit.

stop thinking i'm being 'snobby' or that i forgot about you,
and take a look at the fucking situation.
i'm not taking a year off from school because i don't like my friends
or i don't care about my sorority or any of that bullshit.
i'm doing it because i'm miserable and unhappy.
unlike most kids my age, i have no money in the bank.
i don't have my license or a car. i'm working on changing all that
so i can live a comfortable life in the future,
instead of fucking struggling all the time.

also, if i don't answer my phone or hang out with anyone
its not because i don't like you. its because after work all i want to do
is smoke a bowl and go to sleep. i'm depressed.
get it?

i'm fucking sorry. i love you all more than anything.
i'm just miserable. i don't know where i'm going with my life.

now this all sounds like 'woe is me, i'm so depressed'
but i'm trying to clear up what is going on with me.

Jun. 27th, 2007

recently i got a letter from school saying i am either going to be suspended for a semester or put on probation. i wrote a letter asking for probation. also, i found out that i did my fafsa wrong and haven't filled out any of my financial aid shit. very frustrating.
i have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to college paperwork.
at first, i was just so discouraged i didn't want to try fixing it, but i saw friends from school tonight and i don't think i want to live in biddeford without them. i'm waking up early tomorrow before work to try and get things in order.
i hate my stupid bank. so much. :[ i'm not even going to explain that situation.
i asked for more hours at work, i hope i get them so i can catch up on bills. or try to, anyway.
next weekend is jesse's birthday, i'm hoping to find someone to switch shifts with me so i can go to phi kap and see everyone.
i miss johanna so much, its killing me. i need her so bad right now.
bryan comes home august first. i cannot wait. im supposed to go to cape cod with his family, but im not sure if work will let me have 6 days off. we'll see.
i got meds for my depression. i'll start taking them tomorrow, i'm excited to see a change.
i haven't seen kenn in two and a half weeks. its more than frustrating, its so annoying. hopefully, i'm seeing him saturday. i cannot wait.
oh yes, i've been on a diet lately. and trying to exercise more. i'm eating mostly fruits & veggies with protein. i haven't seen any weight loss or anything but maybe it takes time.
well, i don't know what else to update about. i'm in a particularly good mood, not as depressed as i usually am.
my head is killing me so i am gonna shower and go to bed. goodnight!
i'm trying to exercise lately. i hate it though.
today i went for a jog, did some crunches and such.
then showered, and cleaned the house.
i just ate dinner, and i'm looking for something to do.

i miss my boyfriend. :[ i don't know when he is gonna have the time/money to come see me next.

job interview tomorrow! i really need a job, so i hope i get it.
at least that'll give me something to do. and i'll make moneyyyy.

little lulu

i got a baby bowl today. her name is little lulu.
little lulu dinghleberre jr.

she is super tiny. i have small hands so it doesn't even look small in these pictures...

she looks way more purple than she is. she is more of a yellow with red swirls.
she is turning purple up by the end of the head though. and greenish by the mouth.

bills, bills, bills.

my phone is getting turned off sometime soon
and i have to get rid of my laptop.
unless i find a job within the next week...
or one of my relatives lets me borrow like,
one hundred dollars. then i could keep my phone.

kufkekaslfdjkbhesj sadly, i'm applying at mcdonalds tomorrow.
they're the only ones who will hire my sorry ass. soo...

i can't say i'm terribly motivated through all this.
knowing that i'm losing both my laptop and phone really depress me.
thats my way of really talking to my boyfriend and friends...

lisjdfshds yeah... i'm gonna go take a nap now.
and then return some applications.

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