Brookeleigh

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 03:50:00 GMT

yeahhhh i never update anymore.
sorry, guys.
theres nothing to update about, unfortunately.

i work every weekend, i was working a lot during the week too and i was making substantial cash.
and now, they dropped my hours.
i'm lonely. bored. exhausted. scared.
not just today, everyday.

but things are alright.
come the new year, i can reapply at usm
:]

that the one thing i'm really looking forward to.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 04:31:59 GMT

i cant believe this.

how in the hell does he make me feel like this?

i am gonna do something i should regret.
but i wont.

ill love every minute of it.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 20:27:00 GMT

hi.
i don't update very much anymore, eh?

it was my birthday yesterday :D
now i'm 19. oh joyyyyy!

not much to update on...
i work at hannaford now.
i don't have any money.
um, yup!

haha.

but.... i'm still alive!
just in case you were wondering.

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 08:14:12 GMT

the loneliness is always there,
but i am most vulnerable during these early morning hours.

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 22:00:36 GMT

kenn dumped me.
via text.
while i was at work.

with little to no explanation.

i'm very pissed.
extremely hurt.
and really confused.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 12:41:36 GMT

all i feel lately is anger and confusion

no one fucking understands me or the decisions i make.
and i'm fucking sorry.
i'm sorry that i'm not going back to school for a year.
i'm sorry i haven't called you, or gone to visit.

stop thinking i'm being 'snobby' or that i forgot about you,
and take a look at the fucking situation.
i'm not taking a year off from school because i don't like my friends
or i don't care about my sorority or any of that bullshit.
i'm doing it because i'm miserable and unhappy.
unlike most kids my age, i have no money in the bank.
i don't have my license or a car. i'm working on changing all that
so i can live a comfortable life in the future,
instead of fucking struggling all the time.

also, if i don't answer my phone or hang out with anyone
its not because i don't like you. its because after work all i want to do
is smoke a bowl and go to sleep. i'm depressed.
get it?

i'm fucking sorry. i love you all more than anything.
i'm just miserable. i don't know where i'm going with my life.

now this all sounds like 'woe is me, i'm so depressed'
but i'm trying to clear up what is going on with me.

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 02:59:27 GMT

recently i got a letter from school saying i am either going to be suspended for a semester or put on probation. i wrote a letter asking for probation. also, i found out that i did my fafsa wrong and haven't filled out any of my financial aid shit. very frustrating.
i have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to college paperwork.
at first, i was just so discouraged i didn't want to try fixing it, but i saw friends from school tonight and i don't think i want to live in biddeford without them. i'm waking up early tomorrow before work to try and get things in order.
i hate my stupid bank. so much. :[ i'm not even going to explain that situation.
i asked for more hours at work, i hope i get them so i can catch up on bills. or try to, anyway.
next weekend is jesse's birthday, i'm hoping to find someone to switch shifts with me so i can go to phi kap and see everyone.
i miss johanna so much, its killing me. i need her so bad right now.
bryan comes home august first. i cannot wait. im supposed to go to cape cod with his family, but im not sure if work will let me have 6 days off. we'll see.
i got meds for my depression. i'll start taking them tomorrow, i'm excited to see a change.
i haven't seen kenn in two and a half weeks. its more than frustrating, its so annoying. hopefully, i'm seeing him saturday. i cannot wait.
oh yes, i've been on a diet lately. and trying to exercise more. i'm eating mostly fruits & veggies with protein. i haven't seen any weight loss or anything but maybe it takes time.
well, i don't know what else to update about. i'm in a particularly good mood, not as depressed as i usually am.
my head is killing me so i am gonna shower and go to bed. goodnight!

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 22:22:20 GMT

i'm trying to exercise lately. i hate it though.
today i went for a jog, did some crunches and such.
then showered, and cleaned the house.
i just ate dinner, and i'm looking for something to do.

i miss my boyfriend. :[ i don't know when he is gonna have the time/money to come see me next.

job interview tomorrow! i really need a job, so i hope i get it.
at least that'll give me something to do. and i'll make moneyyyy.

little lulu

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 03:57:47 GMT

i got a baby bowl today. her name is little lulu.
little lulu dinghleberre jr.

she is super tiny. i have small hands so it doesn't even look small in these pictures...

she looks way more purple than she is. she is more of a yellow with red swirls.
she is turning purple up by the end of the head though. and greenish by the mouth.

bills, bills, bills.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 18:11:09 GMT

my phone is getting turned off sometime soon
and i have to get rid of my laptop.
unless i find a job within the next week...
or one of my relatives lets me borrow like,
one hundred dollars. then i could keep my phone.

kufkekaslfdjkbhesj sadly, i'm applying at mcdonalds tomorrow.
:[
they're the only ones who will hire my sorry ass. soo...

i can't say i'm terribly motivated through all this.
knowing that i'm losing both my laptop and phone really depress me.
thats my way of really talking to my boyfriend and friends...

lisjdfshds yeah... i'm gonna go take a nap now.
and then return some applications.

luca

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 21:01:07 GMT

LUCA

is the name of our kitty.
pronounced luke-a.

thanks for all your suggestions <3

in other news,
its really annoying when people say they wanna hang out.
then don't talk to you all day and leave you

and ellen degeneres referenced her girlfriend, portia on the show.
and then they showed her in the front row. which made me realy happy.
because they're the cutest couple ever.

kitty

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 22:49:18 GMT

so we just got a new kitty.
he is a male orange kitten. soo beautiful

i'd really like some name suggestions.
heres a picture of him;

jml.

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 14:41:55 GMT

i miss my best friend. i guess she is just busy...
it really hurts because i need her but... i don't know.

daryn petrin

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 01:01:07 GMT

i didn't know daryn patrin well at all, though we did talk the last month of senior year. but didn't everyone?
he was in a lot of my classes, and was really fun to have around. and he stuck up for me a few times.

i feel that if i go to the wake tomorrow, people will give me dirty looks because i didn't really know him. especially if i cry.
but i'm not claiming to know him, i just think losing a life is a terrible thing. especially someone so young.

i don't even know tim gagne in the slightest bit, but i'll pay my respects to him as well.

rest in peace playas.

messed up.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 20:45:24 GMT

things are so crazy. i feel so empty.
aarons rental wants to take my laptop because i'm three months behind in payments.
if my stepfather had actually paid for my 'graduation gift' and not made me pay after he left my mom, this wouldn't be happening.
nonetheless, i need this laptop but i don't have the money to pay for it.

i was thinking of asking my father & stepmom to borrow money, or maybe even track down my shithead of a stepdad and ask for some help. but i have never asked to borrow money before. i don't know if i should.

i still need a job. i've been searching up and down and i've applied at a lot of places. i've checked in with places too.. they all say they'll get ahold of me but never do. i'm really hoping applebee's will work out. or movie gallery. gahhhh.

between being in debt, not having a job or license, and being far from kenn and my gorham loves.. i just feel so shitty. :[
i cry all the time, and sleep as much as possible. i don't like being this depressed. this isn't who i am.

one good thing though, is i started hanging out with amy again. she is such a ball of fuckin' joy. we spend a lot of time at her boyfriends apartment. him and his roommate, chad are so much fun. basically, we smoke and play mario party and we cook big fancy dinners for them and dress up. haha.

i guess i just gotta keep on trying with jobs...
it can just get so discouraging.

miserable.

Sat, 19 May 2007 22:26:39 GMT

i am so miserable here.
no job. no friends. no money.
i'm so far away from gorham.
my friends & boyyyyfriend. :[

failing.

Wed, 16 May 2007 18:44:16 GMT

i got my grade for one of my three classes. i got an F. how fuckin awesome. and that was the class i thought i would pass.
i know i will definitely get an F in one other class, and i am praying that i passed my english class so i don't have to take it again.
how did i get this fuckin far behind? i can't believe this. i've wasted so much time and money. :[
i don't know if i should even go back to school and waste more time and money, though i really do hope i'll actually do better.
i just have to work on shit, get on medication, stop partying. mehhhh.

also, i got a call back for a job at spencer press. i have an interview tomorrow. and a drug test sometime in the next week. :[[[[[
i smoked like, three days ago so i'm very frightened. i'm just gonna try everything i've ever heard. cranberry juice, water, vitamins, aspirin, vinegar. i don't have the money for those detox drinks that don't even work. i really need this job. i hope i pass.

andddd i need to send out for my fuckin permit test again. i can't believe that shit expired. i better get my license before next semester.

but i do have tomorrow to look forward to. heather and jackie! and then sigma nu on friday where i get to see a lot of usm loves <3
maybe i will see kenn this weekend, i asked him to come see me but i'm no holding my breath. i feel like i'm losing him along with everything else. or maybe he just doesn't see it. when i'm at home all miserable and such i'd like for him to text or call me once in awhile. i don't need much. i just don't feel special or wanted anymore. i know thats because i'm unhappy in general and i'm exaggerating the situation. but stillllll...

third eye blind.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 23:12:55 GMT

sometime the same person that makes you feel so good, can make you feel so bad.
thats the downside of letting someone in.

on a positive note;
THIRD EYE BLIND WAS AMAZING!!!!
i went with pookie and we had a good talk there and back.
we stopped at the providence place mall before the show, that was fun.
no words to describe the show, really. just ridiculous. i was crying for most of it.
i just couldn't believe i was watching stephan jenkins perform right in front of me.

4.20 was truly a holiday this year. heather rose and i celebrated all day with the phi kap bubs.
we thennnn went to kenns show, and ended up back at phi kap for alpha deltas initiation. :D

the weather has been so amazing this weekend, and i am so grateful.
it has made for some entertaining bbqs with phi kap, and everyone has been in an awesome mood.

last night, sig i sig's pledge class, alpha theta got initiated. CONGRATULATIONS JOHANNA!
i'm so proud of her, and she really deserves her letters. <3

so i have had an amazing week.. and i'm trying to not let other things get me down. it can be hard though.

everyone enjoy the great weather! 18 days until my last final for the semester! wooooo hoooo

little update.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 22:31:07 GMT

hmmm... nine days until third eye blind. ten until 420 and kenn & entropys show.

school is almost out, amen.

i got initiated into phi mu, woo hoo.

not much else to update on.
i just got out of the shower, waiting for kenn to come over.

yupppp

krbs = shithead.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 18:15:36 GMT

for all things holy, can you learn how to treat a girl and keep your dick out of every girl you see?
thanks :D
if not, i will fucking kill you.

moving on, i'm still weirded out by my decision but excited all at the same time. i'm looking at the bright side of things.
my own apartment. how glorious!

school or apt?

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 22:45:02 GMT

decision time.

I decided to move back home after this semester, at least until I can afford an apartment.
I am going to continue taking classes at usm, via online courses. which is wayy more affordable anyway.

I feel this is best for me until I get my shit together. Hopefully, I will be back as a full time student by second semester of next year.
Because I am still taking classes, I will still be an active member of Phi Mu.

All the stress has just been too much. I need to be back on medication and working on my personal problems, because if I don't things get very bad. If I get too overwhelmed I deal with stress in a self-destructive manner and that needs to stop.

Some of my friends think this is my way of running away from my problems but I see it as completely opposite.
I am facing my issues, and making it my first priority. I'd rather be stable and behind in school then on the edge of a breakdown just to seem like a traditional, happy college student.

I am very proud of myself for making this decision, yet very afraid if it will fall into place or not.
I guess I should just give it time.

Oh, and people in the Biddeford area, lets be pals. I don't have many (actually, none) friends from high school around so it would be great if I had someone to hang out with when I moved back to Biddeford.

Much love.

stressed.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 18:21:03 GMT

My entries seem so manic.
A lot is going on, as usual.
I get so overwhelmed so easily, but I am learning to let things go.
So, things suck. The only way they are gonna get better is if you work at it.
Sitting around being upset isn't gonna get anything done.
:)
I cannot wait for summer.
Its all about the sun, the friends, the parties.
wooo

balance.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 19:32:10 GMT

I finally realized whats wrong...
I need to balance stuff out more.
I've lost contact with nearly everyone of my old friends, I only hang out with people here at school and I hate it.
I mean, I love my friends here but I miss parties with robin and jess, I miss hanging out with alana, I miss trips to mass, I miss seeing alicia. I miss going to new hampshire to see kaitie and cliffy. I need to balance shit out, ahhh!
Right now, I don't have the money to see all those people and that motivates me even more to get my act together.
I have just been sucked into this world of just college and its actually distracted me from what I am actually here for.

old pals, I'll be back soon.

simply smile.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 22:38:00 GMT

happy happy happy!
there are so many things to be upset about, but sometimes all you need to do is smile.
:)

found him.

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 14:09:08 GMT

I'm not so scared anymore.
I found someone who respects and cares for me.
That is all I've wanted.